I find myself ambivalent...

am-biv-a-lence:
Webster dictionary
–noun

1.	uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

2.

Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions

           In my opinion, Girl, Interrupted was really more of a reflection on growing up and maturing than just a documentation of one girl's experiences in an institution. Susannah did not believe that she was crazy until the doctors told her she had a problem with 'borderline' disorder. In the same way, each individual believes themselves to be normal until the institution of society manages to convince them that they are insane.

            Ambivalence IS the perfect word to describe Susanna, or anyone trying to find out who they are. Within the process of self-discovery and development, one is often ambivalent; torn between two different paths or choices. For Susanna, her choices were to either deny that she had any problem and continue behaving the same way, still in her comfort zone, or to grow up and change the way that she acted: still afraid, but knowing what she believed in and wanted to be.

          Personally I loved Susanna's description of crazy; that it was "you or me amplified". It is so true! we barely understand ourselves as it is; if our personalities or tendencies become too much for us to understand, we almost immediately jump to the conclusion that we are insane. For Susanna, her real problem was not insanity, but simply not understanding herself; something she learned while at the hospital.

          After reading "The yellow wallpaper" and watching this movie, I find the similarities very interesting indeed. Both women were sent away to get better and turned to writing/journaling to help them understand their situation. For Susanna, this habit helped her to understand those around her while she tried to understand and control herself. For the woman in "The yellow wallpaper" who was not allowed to write, the pent up frustrations and doubts led to her deteriorated mental state by the end of the short story. Obviously then, if you can not find a way to understand yourself or your situation, you soon find yourself on the verge of insanity, or something very like it in Susanna's case. The ambivalent attitude towards the two choices of 1) ignoring your problems and staying safe or 2) braving your sub-conscious in the hopes of actually seeing whast is wrong in order to fix it, is one of the most important questions of all. Which choice is the better one? As Socrates said; "Know Thyself". It is better, then, to self-examine and find something horrible or damaged rather than ignoring the fissure until it destroys you.